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Divorce is not only hard on the parents. The children are affected as well. Their lives are also put in a temporary tail spin because they are insecure about their own future. So how do we combat that issue with the least amount of discomfort for them? One main issue is to never try to make the children take sides. The parents need to let them be children. Never talk bad about the other parent to or in front of the children, even if it is the other parent’s fault the divorce is happening. Do not ever fight with your soon to be ex-spouse in the presence of the children. Just because a person may be a bad spouse, it doesn’t mean they are a bad parent. It may damage the relationship between the parents and the children in so many levels. The child may resent the parent that is talking bad about the other parent or the child may start hating the other parent. That is not a good parenting practice because it hurts the children. The best interest of the children would be to have a relationship with both parents if it doesn’t create additional damage to them to visit with each parent. If there are NOT domestic violence issues, drug/alcohol addiction, gang violence, etc., the children’s best interest is to spend time with both parents for them to prosper in their mental development. Always, reassure the children that the divorce is not their fault. That everything will be fine. Inform them that there may be some slight changes in their lives, but everything will be alright and that you both love them very much. Sandra Knight 

Domestic violence in marriage creates cycles of abuse in individuals and the children of the individuals. Since this occurs more often to women, I will refer to the abused as women, although it can be used interchangeable between the genders. Abuse of a partner is never alright. Let’s discuss the endeavoring question that most people ask a woman that is being physically abused… “Why do you stay with him if he hits you?” There are always several responses that an abused woman gives to justify “why” they stay with a man that is abusing them, including “but, I love him,” “I’m afraid of what he will do to me if I leave,” “He didn’t mean to hurt me, he was just mad,” “He loves me and is really good to me most of the time,” and even make up excuses about injuries saying they fell down the stairs or hit a wall. As a friend or family member of the women that tolerate the abuse, you get used to hearing the excuses of “why” they have bruises on their face or broken arms. You feel helpless. No matter what you tell them, they keep going back to their abuser. Let’s start to uncover the reason “why” they keep going back. The injuries from physical abuse heals, but the damage that is causes by the physical abuse is very much psychological abuse, as well. An abuser beats down a person psychologically making them think the incidents are their fault and they would be nothing without them. They manipulate the abused person into thinking that the abuser is somewhat of God in their world. The abused woman truly loses the sense of what is right or wrong anymore. She starts to think if she doesn’t do certain things anymore, that he will stop hitting her. The truth is that he just finds more reasons to hit her. It is never ending cycle. The abuser will start to isolate her from her friends and family as a way of controlling her. She starts to be alone with only her abuser to manipulate her thinking. The abused continue to strive to make the abuser happy and tries to get his approval and acceptance and if she does, it is only temporary. Eventually, this pattern becomes an obsession or like an addiction to her. Life is like a big roller coaster. When things are good, they are really good, but when things are bad, they are really bad. There is no middle. The roller coaster does not stay on level ground. It has a constant high and low affect. Children that witness the abuse, without therapy, have a higher tendency to become abused or become the abuser in future relationships. They learn the behavior from what they see everyday as being a regular part of life. They do not know any different. So, what do we do to help someone in this situation? The truth is, you cannot help them until they are ready to be helped. You can continue to be there for them if they want to talk. You can try to get close enough to them to help them make an escape plan when they are ready to leave. You can help brainstorm ideas on how they can survive without the abuser. Always try to convince them to call the police if he gets violent. There are no promises that the abused will not return to the abuser. Try to get them to seek therapy to help them overcome the abusive relationship. More often than not, abusive relationship cause Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome on the abused. They will need the therapy to help stop the cycle. I would like to mention two (2) movies that really play on my emotions from being a victim of domestic violence myself and my son twenty (20) years ago and the journey we went through in our process of recovery from it. “Sleeping with the Enemy” (1991) starring Julia Roberts, and “Enough” (2002) starring Jennifer Lopez. By mentioning these movies, I am not suggesting a means to an end by killing the abuser. I personally used the legal system to my advantage to eliminate the threat. I did learn to fight back like these women characters did in movies.

While I was in college getting my BA in Psychology, our team performed a research study on our fellow peers at college. Our theory was there would be more individuals getting a higher education that were from an intact family (meaning, not from a divorced or single family home). We surveyed the college students from all different backgrounds, ethnicities, and majors. Our study results revealed that our theory was inconclusive. That being said, the assumption about children coming from “a broken” home will strive less than children coming from an intact home, is not true. Divorce does effect children, just as children are effected by parents that stay married that fight all the time. Parents of any marital status can raise ambitious and thriving children.

R espect the right to disagree. E xpress your real concerns. S hare common goals and interests. O pen yourself to different points of view. L isten carefully to all proposals. U nderstand the major issues involved. T hink about possible consequences. I magine several possible alternative solutions. O ffer some reasonable compromises. N egotiate mutually fair cooperative agreements. By Robert Valett